My Religion

The room is filled with the smell of incense, reminding me of Calcutta and Durga Pujo; it's a familiar smell for me, associated with a lot of nice things- holidays, friends, new clothes, good food. But here sitting on a mattress without a frame, surrounded with roommates none of whom are Bengali, and looking at an idol of Balaji and Ganesh being prayed to I am somehow dissatisfied. I have missed two consecutive pujas. Have actually attended school and gone to work during those times and am wondering how much Pujo matters to me now. The religious aspect of it was never too big for me, there would be the usual preemptory namaskar to the idol at the beginning of Pujo and then I would be engrossed with my friends for the next five days. Pujas for me were the time to meet up with friends who had gone away far, to have conversations till late night, become instant critics to the variety programs put up by the township folk and of course, eat out everyday. But I guess after I came over here all those memories have started to fade - though once in a while like today the olfactory memory comes into action and brings everything rushing back.

This entry is not so much about Pujo as it is about my belief in religion. My roomy comes after her bath, nowadays, stands in front of her idols, lights the incense sticks and then sits down and reads her slokas for sometime, to herself. This is a new development in her. After a couple of failed relationships and now that she has started to go for interviews and needs to get a job, I guess her fervor has increased. Nothing wrong in that I guess - most people need to concentrate all their fears, and insecurities on this one unblemishable ideal which can help them get through all their difficulties - and that is how God's concept develops. I have my fears and insecurities too and although idol worship was not practiced in our house, I chose Lord Shiva for a variety of reasons to be my God so to say.(I had heard somewhere that this is the one God who listens to young people the most. Plus being the head honcho in the order of things I expected him to get a lot accomplished much more easily and much more faster) So meeting time with him was at night after going to bed - I would have my little talk with him as to what I want for the next day, and then sometimes add a need for the near future also to the list of wants. It was a relationship based on give and take - him giving and me taking, and I was very happy with the arrangement of things. But slowly as I saw my little wishes being realised, I began to do less work for myself and put more emphasis on the power of the prayers - as a result, I began to lose out on a few opportunities. Obviously I was not studying, procrastinating and expecting to still get good marks because I had prayed for it the previous night. The desired results were not achieved, as a result, but rather than starting to work on my studies, my belief became hinged on the fact that perhaps my technique of worship was not right, and I started incorporating namaskars and stuff in my nightly prayers. It became such an obsession that I compelled myself to say and end the wish lists with my own form of prayers and with a certain number of namaskars. I guess this is how ritualistic religion evolves. It was a lot later that I understood the truth of the words "God helps those who help themselves".

I remember while all the other girls would do Shiv Puja and stuff to get a good husband, I would be at home happily ignorant of the so called “importance" of these rituals. But I could not come out of the habit of those nightly prayers. I remember my Ma being very worried about my studies and asking me to fast for Saraswati Puja before the two big events in my life - my class 12 exams and my GREs. The first one I did but the second one I flatly refused because it seemed insulting to fawn on somebody just for this once if I had not paid my respects before. But funnily enough, according to the hierarchy of Gods - Saraswati is the daughter of Shiva, so I went straight to the head of the family for my favors as usual at night and asked him to tell his daughter to see to everything. (How very convenient for me!)

But after coming here, I have this strange feeling that I am in a different country and he has no control over situations here. So though I tried it for the first few months here, I slowly got off the habit and have never got back to it afterwards. Things have gone bad in the middle but strangely enough I have never blamed my lack of prayers as the reason. I have been questioned a lot by my atheist friends here whether I believe in God or no, and I have said no. It’s a running joke between them that I am an atheist for the atheists but a religious Hindu for the Hindus. It's a comment on my belndabality with all atmospheres - but seriously speaking my belief now is what Swami Vivekananda had said - your God is within you, as long as you keep him happy you are gonna be ok. This is the one motto I had been taught by my father and that seems to work the best. If I can work to better myself in every which way - it feels as if a benevolent force is watching over me. If you wish to call this force 'God', yes, then I am a believer in God, if you wish to call this force your will power - then you’re a believer in yourself, or the power of man. Whichever way I vehemently hate labels so I guess you can’t in the end say what my religious beliefs are. For the atheists I know - it will be a good indicator of my beliefs if I go and do a namaskar in front of a deity with a bunch of people, but for me it is more about not hurting the sentiments of others who have invested so much belief into this idol. I do not like belittling anything and anyone just because I don’t believe in it, but for my atheist friends it becomes a question of morals if they have to pray to a deity because it apparently belittles their morals. So my final verdict is - Each to his own belief as long as they do not clash.